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Sporange rhymes with orange

So I went and got Spore while was on sale on Steam, a game I was interested in when it first came out...  6 years ago, Christ. I am old, kill me. ANYWAY, at the time I was turned off by EA and the SecuRom secret rootkit malware that came bundled with it, so I just accepted I would probably never play it. BUT now the Steam platform resolves that, so what the hell, let's do it. Join me on a journey of discovery as I try very hard not to create alien pornography!

Behold! The Hook Leech, the noblest of animals.

Okay... Rule #1 going forward: No sporn. DON'T MAKE A PEEN. Or a boob-monster. We can do this. *deep breath*

We start out in the Cell Stage after an opening cinematic of flaming meteors bombarding the blood-seas of Planet Leviathan, from which tiny biting animals emerge. (And that, son, is where babies come from.) This stage is highly reminiscent and a possible ripoff of flOw, an indie flash game from 2 years earlier. The object is to chase and devour other microorganisms to steal their organs and DNA and stuff them onto our own face to get more civilized, just like real life. Or if you're a LOSER you can also eat algae and scrounge for new organs from rocks or something LIKE A BUM. REAL AMERICANS KILL FOR A LIVING. Wikipedia says that educators were initially excited to use Spore as a teaching aid for the mechanisms of evolution, then found that wow, no, this is not helpful. (Although, there is speculation that bits like mitochondria developed independently before cells engulfed them.)

Anyway, we float in varying strata of goo chasing smaller things and avoiding all the larger things until we've harvested enough part from our victims to become the ultimate killing machine. I decided it was a priority to take revenge on anything that attacked me or my clones FOR THE PRIDE OF OUR SPECIES, so I put spikes on my face and spent a lot of time chasing things I probably should've run away from. Incidentally, it's also pretty helpful to have a spiky butt, or better yet a toxic butt, to punish everything that is interested in you, just like real life. Eventually, we destroy enough lives to grow a brain, and the real game begins!

Behold! Serpentis, the noblest of animals.

This is the meat of Spore: the creature creator. One can easily spend hours sculpting and fine-tuning creations (although there isn't much to choose from at this early stage). However, this also highlights one of the game's most frustrating aspects; in a game centered around creativity you are discouraged from experimentation, since a) early decisions often have permanent, irrevocable consequences- for example any parts originating from Cell Stage CANNOT be recovered if discarded for other parts and b) parts have scaling grades of usefulness, forcing you to choose between parts that have a higher point value and parts that actually look good. I decided to take the "look good" route since I'll be staring at this thing's behind for a long time, and I happen to take pride in my behind-sculpting.


And lo, the mighty Serpentis did jiggle upon land from out of the great pools of blood, and did enter the Creature Stage. In this stage we form a nest where we uncomfortably waggle our butts at each other to mate, and we continue the grim work of harvesting more parts to create deadlier and less stupid-looking children. Interestingly, all members of all species are lesbians since they can all lay eggs, or else are hermaphrodites or male-pregnancy seahorses or some other internet fetish. Anyhow, every other species also has a nest on this planet, and we must meet them and decide whether to befriend or exterminate them. Both actions result in receiving their organs, so this is some serious friendship going on. Organs grant abilities such as spitting poison, flight, and INTERPRETIVE DANCE. I decided that everything awesome would live and everything stupid would go extinct, so lot of species went extinct. As the parts piled up I had to pick a visual direction, and looking above for guidance I found the inspiration I needed...

Behold! Diabolus, the noblest of animals.

Baby Diaboli are not only the cutest but the most reminiscent of zerglings.

Your kind may live. For now.


This is an epic creature, which is gigantic, always hostile, and can kill in one hit. I tried to social one... it didn't work out.


Probing an alien probe.

We are the happiest species. Only the dead will know peace from our happiness.

*ass waggle* *wink* *nodnod* :|  If you just keep standing there, a question mark appears over your head as the alpha continues to seduce you, for you are the sole straight creature in the lesbian galaxy.

The song of our love is the song of your imminent extinction, all other species. After enough carnage we finally we have all the parts we need to complete our master plan. I'm keeping the flagellum from cell stage, since there are no proper tails in the game, and you have to have a tail in life or else what's the point, am I right? It's time to take the final form...

Behold! Sabbat, the noblest of animals.
(Incidentally I am punting our egg into the sky- I'm sure it's fine)

I... okay, I'm NOT breaking Rule #1. We're doing Baphomet, aka the Sabbatic Goat ("Sabbat" for short, not to be confused with the vampire), and s/he naturally has boobs; it's like a key feature. It's not smut, it's artistic accuracy. And actually for your information they're not boobs, they're "heycorns" which just happen to be topped by differently shaded concentric circles and grant the "charm" ability, which causes your creature to turn around and... shake its hips at the target. BUT I didn't even add a phallus... in... the final version. DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT.

ANYWAY, it's time to move on to the Tribal Stage. Let's begin!

Tools unlocked!


Okay, yeah, wow, yeah, no, yeah, you guys need clothes. You need clothes now.

Crisis averted!!

So: Tribal Stage is like a more complex version of Creature Stage, except what was a 3rd-person biter is now real-time strategy game in which we command named tribe members to gather food which is somehow the basis of our architecture. Buildings grant tools to different members such as musical instruments (for socializing other tribes), weapons, fishing rods, and sorcerous healing sticks because that's a thing in this universe. As we collect more food we also hermaphroditically pop out more babies which eventually grow into new tribe members, or die if left alone to fend off scavengers which descend on your village the moment you leave.

An important change is that you no longer harvest organs: all creature parts are locked from now on and you can only edit clothes (which you harvest instead...), so you'd better stay happy with what you built by the time you're in Space (more of that frustrating aspect). You can change color themes at any time, but skin color also spills into your clothing somehow so non-neutral colors look garish and weird. The coat color you picked before you left Creature will also be your flag from now on, so choose wisely. Other creatures still have nests but we'll only need to interact with them to eat them, or entice them back to our village to EAT THEIR YOUNG. However, some of them have developed into tribes of their own, and the object is to confront them and literally take their clothes. And fooditecture.

A new tribe appears! What do?

You're hideous. Let's be friends!

Another new tribe appears, I wonder what- GAAAAAAHHH



Ocassionally, the planet is visited by UFOs violating the prime directive, which panic other species- making it easier to opportunistically attack them. Incidentally at some point I figured out there is a pause button, which would've been helpful to know about in combat a long time ago.

I cannot domesticate cow monster.

My people have a rich heritage centered around the hatred of fishing.



HAAAATE. Dat pose tho.

All fish-sympathizers will have their children sent screaming into the night by the light of their own burning homes!

Baphomet is traditionally depicted as a singular character- it's weird to see them as a race. And a little disquieting watching a horde of rampant, savage devil-women bounding and beating their wings to their target, driven wild in raving frenzy by the war-staff of their enormous, howling queen.

It is time to advance ourselves to civilization, and IMMEDIATELY our thoughts turn to nuclear war and an end to fishes, once and for all!



Stay tuned for Spore part 2: Civilized Boogaloo! Where it will be time to craft buildings and tanks, with which very civilized things will happen.